iCandy
by scarletphlame
Summary: Captain John Hart steals Jack's phone. Chaos ensues. T for innuendo and swearing. Janto
1. Chapter 1

John: Honey, I'm hoooome!

Ianto: You aren't Jack. How did you get his phone? What have you done with him?

John: Sheesh, Eye Candy, calm down. Haven't done anything with your captain, found my way into the sewer- I mean, the Hub, on accident. By the way, why is there a measuring tape on your desk, with measurements in inches next to your name...?

Ianto: No reason. Where's Jack?

John: Dunno. Possibly shagging someone.

Ianto: He wouldn't do that.

John: ...Strange, I must ask, have you ever met?

Ianto: ...JACK?

John: Eye Candy, writing his name in caps lock is not going to help you find him.

Ianto: What have you done with him?

John: :)

Ianto: Don't send smilies with Jack's phone. It doesn't look right.

John: Spoilsport. ;)

Ianto: Only you could make a winky face into an innuendo.

Jack (on Tosh's phone): Ianto?! It's Jack.

Ianto: Jack?!

John: Oh dear. This chat room has turned into a soap opera in a matter of three seconds.

Jack: Yeah. Where are you?

Ianto: Cross the road, ordering pizza.

John: Yum. Almost as tasty as you.

Ianto: I did not need to hear that.

John: You didn't hear it, you read it.

Jack: Hello, can we focus?

Ianto: Sorry. Where are you?

Jack: A bit tied up at the moment.

Ianto: Oh, my God!

Jack: Not literally. It's just a few rogue Weevils. May I ask, how did you get into the Hub?

Ianto: I'm not in the Hub.

Jack: I was talking to John.

John: Key under the doormat.

Jack: Like that's gonna work on me.

John: Well...

Ianto: Don't you ever stop?

Ianto: ...Jack?

Ianto: Jack, are you there?

Ianto: Jack?

Ianto: Jack, are you okay?

John: Sweet god, he's been gone for five seconds and you go all K-drama on him. No wonder we lasted longest together.

Ianto: Shut up. I'm worried.

John: How sweet. Do I get popcorn?

Ianto: Do you even care what happens to Jack?

John: Eye Candy. He's immortal. He's not exactly in any trouble.

Ianto: I don't care. Go pester someone else.

* * *

><p>John: Hello, gorgeous.<p>

Gwen: :-)

John: Disgusting. Who puts a nose on it?

Gwen: Jack?

John: Well, I knew you two had something going on there.

Gwen: Who is this, how do you have Jack's phone? Where's Jack?

John: Sweet god, they're all obsessed with him. I swear, Eye Candy responded almost identically.

Gwen: John? What have you done with Jack?

John: Done? I haven't done anything with him. I'm starting to wonder if you can say the same about yourself, 'though.

Gwen: Shut up. I'm calling Ianto.

John: Wow. I'm terrified.

Gwen: Goodbye John.

John: Do you have to be so formal?

* * *

><p>John: Hello.<p>

Owen: This number is currently out of contact as the owner of the phone is deceased.

John: Lovely. I'm sure we can still make something work.

Owen: This number is currently out of contact as the owner of the phone is deceased.

John: You don't say much, do you?

Owen: This number is currently out of contact as the owner of the phone is deceased.

John: Huh. This feels like me and Jack trapped in a time loop all over again.

Owen: This number is currently out of contact as the owner of the phone is deceased.

John: I'm outta here.


	2. Chapter 2

Jack (on his phone): Hey, Ianto.

Ianto: Yes, Jack?

Jack: You wanna go for a pizza or something tonight?

Ianto: Sure.

John: When he asks you for a pizza, it's really just a polite way of asking if he can shag you.

Jack: You! Where did you get a phone?

John: Some sort of fruit place.

Ianto: Ahem.

Jack: Sorry. So, seven thirty tonight?

Ianto: Rift permitting. ;-)

Jack: Rift permitting. See you then. ;-)

John: Who taught you how to use emoticons? You never put a nose on them! It's just disgusting.

Gwen: Something you and the emoticons have in common.

John: Ha.

Gwen: :-l

John: Lame.

* * *

><p>John: Hello, gorgeous.<p>

Tosh: This number is currently out of contact as the owner of the phone is deceased.

John: That is a downer.

* * *

><p>John: Hey. Is there any way you can bring back your dead employees?<p>

Gwen: Piss off.

John: Someone's a bit touchy-feely.

Gwen: Go bother someone else, please.

John: I tried. Eye Candy and the Captain are in the middle of a shag and I tried to contact Gorgeous, but she's dead.

Gwen: We have names, please. Learn to use them.

John: :)

Gwen: I'm not going to listen to your texts, thank you very much.

John: Hey. Does yours do that 'ping' thing when you get the texts?

John: Ping.

John: Ping.

John: Ping.

John: Ping.

John: Ping.

Gwen: For God's sake, it's a duck quacking!

John: Fascinating. I thought phones were meant to ring. Can I bring people back from the dead now?

Gwen: Use the ghext machine.

John: The what?

Gwen: The ghost text machine. You place it on a phone and it resends all the texts that were previously sent, up to 150 of them. You only get half a conversation, 'though.

John: Where do I find this ghext machine?

John: Hello?

John: Gwen?

John: Fine, be that way.

* * *

><p>John: Haha! Found it.<p>

Owen: This number is currently out of contact as the owner of the phone is deceased.

John: Ghost machine thing, activate!

John: Hello there?

Owen: Hi

John: Wow, that is weird. It's like you're responding to me.

Owen: Chinese, maybe?

John: Never mind.

Owen: All right. Where's the teaboy?

John: Having a shag with the Captain.

Owen: That's just great. I'll have to order it myself.

John: Oho, that was creepy.

Owen: Yeah. Hey, thanks, Tosh. :-)

John: Even dead people don't know how to send smilies. I've lost my faith in this dumb planet.

* * *

><p>John: Hello, dear. I won't understand what you're saying, but it's better than texting myself.<p>

Tosh: Hey, Owen.

John: No, I'm John. Dead people are ridiculous, sometimes.

Tosh: Anything for dinner? Chinese, maybe pizza?

John: Eat the planet. It's supposed to have good crust.

Tosh: Chinese sounds good. :)

John: Wow. Someone who finally knows how to send a proper smiley.

Tosh: I think Ianto's with Jack, they went Weevil hunting an hour ago.

John: Is that what they call shagging?

Tosh: It's okay, I can order it while I'm here.

John: You people are weird. You don't even respond to any of my texts. Stupid machine.

Tosh: You're welcome. :)

* * *

><p>AN: Yep, Owen and Tosh were texting each other last. :-) Note: Tosh sent the first message to Owen, if you're trying to piece together their conversation.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Gwen: We are coming. That's what the children said.

John: No, that's what she said.

Gwen: Oh, great, it's you. Listen, I need to get ahold of Jack.

John: Don't we all?

Gwen: Not like that, John! I'm being serious here!

John: And I'm not.

Gwen: Listen. There's something going on here and I need to contact Jack.

John: He left a while ago. Eye Candy and him sat down, talked, and he ran off. Eye Candy took off, too.

Gwen: Where are you?

John: Definitely not sitting on the roof of a nearby building watching everything that's going on around your little Hubhole.

Gwen: Leave the Hub out of this.

John: No. Never.

* * *

><p>John: Hey.<p>

Rupesh: Who is this? How did you get this number?

John: Enough with the foreplay. Where's Jack?

_Your number has been blocked from this cell._

John: Shit. They can do that?

* * *

><p>John: Hey, girl.<p>

Gwen: I have a name, and I'm busy, I can't talk right now.

John: No, listen. I texted this guy earlier.

Gwen: We all know how that ended.

John: No. I texted him but I didn't text him. He blocked me.

Gwen: You can do that?!

John: That's what I said!

Gwen: It might be an iPhone thing.

John: What the hell is an iPhone thing?

John: Gwen?

John: Gwen?

John: Gwen?

John: She's more unresponsive than Gorgeous. And she's alive. Damn.

* * *

><p>Jack: Heading back to the Hub. Did you find anything?<p>

John: Gwen's responsive as a brick wall and you can block texts.

Ianto: You can do that?!

John: IKR!

Jack: Ianto. Did you find anything?

Ianto: Not really. Were you able to get a kid?

Jack: No. Hey, listen, I'll talk to you later.

Ianto: Okay.

John: Couples are weird. Sheesh. How did I survive ten years with him?

Ianto: We aren't a couple.

John: Listen, Eye Candy. You two sleep together, make out, go on dates, have public hug fests, and obviously love each other. So much, it actually makes me sick. If you aren't a couple by that definition, then I'm the Queen of Sheeba.

Ianto: Bye.

* * *

><p>John: Hello. Anyone here?<p>

John: Oh, damn. I'm back in the Notes app thing.

John: How do you get out of the Notes thing anyway?

John: HELLO?

John: I'm screwed.

* * *

><p>John: I don't know if you noticed, but someone just blew the Hubhole up.<p>

John: Hello?

John: Anyone?

John: I'm lonely. :(

* * *

><p><em><strong>R&amp;R! ㈍9<strong>_


	4. Chapter 4

John: Eye Candy. Haven't heard from you in five days. Did you get a life or something?

Ianto: This number is currently out of contact as the owner of the phone is deceased.

John: Shit. You're kidding, right?

Ianto: This number is currently out of contact as the owner of the phone is deceased.

John: You aren't really dead. This is a joke.

Ianto: This number is currently out of contact as the owner of the phone is deceased.

John: Good god, you're dead.

Ianto: This number is currently out of contact as the owner of the phone is deceased.

John: Where's Jack, is he okay?

Ianto: This number is currently out of contact as the owner of the phone is deceased.

John: Screw you. You're about as useful dead as you were alive.

Ianto: This number is currently out of contact as the owner of the phone is deceased.

John: Don't be dead for real.

Ianto: This number is currently out of contact as the owner of the phone is deceased.

John: Damn.

* * *

><p>John: IS EYE CANDY DEAD?<p>

John: GWEN ANSWER IS EYE CANDY DEAD?

Gwen: Piss off, John. Since when did you care?

John: IS HE DEAD?

Gwen: ...Yes.

John: Shit.

John: What happened?

Gwen: He died.

John: Yes, I got that bit.

Gwen: He died, Jack died, everyone died.

John: Great. Just great. And I was starting to like him too!

* * *

><p>John: Ghost text machine, I am so glad I kept you.<p>

Ianto: Hey, Jack. I know you aren't getting these texts, but it feels like I'm talking to you. If you know what I mean.

John: This already sounds depressing.

Ianto: You've been gone. I miss you. They just stuffed you in a van and drove off.

John: Eep.

Ianto: I know you aren't gonna get these texts, but I just wanted to say, I love you.

John: Turning off the phone now.

* * *

><p>John (on Ianto's phone): JACK<p>

Jack: What?! What?!

John: Sorry, it's me. You know, John.

Jack: What do you want?

John: Eye Candy's dead. Bring him back to life.

Jack: Why?

John: Because I need someone to text. Plus, you're my OTP.

Jack: Your what?

John: You know. OTP. Never been on Tumblr?

Jack: ...

John: You know what, screw this. I'm going to go write AU fanfiction and cry into my pillow. Bye.

Jack: Bye?

* * *

><p>John: I will find you and slowly kill you.<p>

Alonso: What?! Why?!

John: Because you stole Jack from Ianto.

Alonso: What? Who is this?

John: I am the Captain of the Janto ship.

Alonso: ...What?


	5. Chapter 5

John: Hey. You're dead.

Ianto: ...?

John: Whoa... that was creepy.

Ianto: ...I'm not dead. I had porridge this morning.

John: But- you- I-

Ianto: Why are you texting me?

John: ...I think I had one too many Hyper Vodkas.

* * *

><p>John: IDK if you noticed, but everyone's immortal.<p>

Gwen: We're working on it.

John: Ah. I see.

Jack: -_-

John: The only emoticon that will never have a nose.

Gwen: [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅5̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]

John: HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

Gwen: º ͜ʖ º

John: Damn. It's got a nose. You know, you guys have changed a lot since the last time I texted you. Hey, I know what it is; you aren't emo anymore!

Gwen: Good to see you haven't changed a lick.

John: Tell that to the girl with the chocolate sauce.

Gwen: Gross. TMI.

Jack: Almost landing, now. We shouldn't be using our phones.

Gwen: Huh. ㈍9

John: Seriously, 'though. How do you send those things?

Gwen: Got to go. Bye.

John: Bye.

* * *

><p>John: Hello.<p>

John: Is anyone there?

John: No?

John: WHY DOES EVERYONE BUT ME HAVE A LIFE?!

* * *

><p>John: Hey.<p>

Russell T. Davies: Who is this?

John: BRING IANTO BACK FROM THE DEAD. OR I WILL FIND YOU.

Russell T. Davies: ...What?

* * *

><p>John: HEY.<p>

Steven Moffat: ?

John: JACK SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN DAY OF THE DOCTOR.

* * *

><p>Gwen: I shouldn't be texting.<p>

John: Knew you couldn't resist.

Gwen: Jack's been poisoned.

John: Ding-dong! Yum!

Gwen: I'm serious. Now will you shut up for a minute and listen?

John: No.

Gwen: How do you cure arsenic poisoning with ingredients only on a plane?

John: Wow, you two are kinky.

Gwen: I'm serious. He's the last mortal man on Earth!

John: Immortality brings lots of fun concepts into the picture... doesn't it?

Gwen: Why am I wasting my time on you?

John: Because I'm hot?

Gwen: Bye. Have to go.

John: Well, that text conversation was a roller-coaster. My mind is whirling.

* * *

><p>John: Hey.<p>

Gwen: Who is this?! How did you get this number?

John: Relax, sweetheart. It's just John.

Gwen: ...I need to get a new phone. How'd you figure out my number, anyway?

John: I looked up a list of fake telephone numbers they use for drama shows. And bad fanfictions.

Gwen: ?

John: Not important. Where's Jack? Dead? Alive? Unconscious (yum)?

Gwen: For god's sake...

Jack: What?

John: Haven't heart from you for a while. How goes?

Jack: Where are you?

John: Somewhere. It's been a long day. I ran into Eye-Candy via text message, snogged a few guys in a bar- caused a bit of a disturbance, had to shoot the owners, then stole a Ferrari and ran over children playing in the street.

Jack: ...

John: No, I had a relatively normal day. Which means staying at home all day and finding people to text.

Jack: Well, I was chased after by an agent who blew himself and a building up, saw a scientist cut off a man's neck and the corpse stared at me, just stared. Oh, yeah, jumped out a window into a fountain. Got a few cuts and scars, too. The whole world is immortal, and I am now mortal. I found Gwen, she blew up a helicopter with a bazooka with a baby in the backseat of the car. Then we were double-crossed, Gwen was separated from Rhys and her baby, I was poisoned by a CIA agent, and then cured with piping in the floor of the airplane, we landed, took out CIA agents who were working against another CIA agent, the agent that double-crossed us, and then we ended up in a hole-in-the-wall dark room. How was your day?

Gwen: It was basically a normal day.

John: I lost you after the bit where the world was immortal.


	6. Chapter 6

John: Hey.

Ianto: Hi.

John: HOW ARE YOU ALIVE?!

Ianto: Sort of a long story. Do you want to hear it?

John: Yes.

Ianto: I was dead. Then I wasn't dead. Then I was dead, but I wasn't dead at the same time.

John: Lost you at the part about death.

Ianto: Ok, let me start over. The 456 killed me, but I was still slightly alive. Just a sliver of life left in me. I was put in stasis in UNIT, frozen. Jack got Martha to unfreeze me during the Miracle. Since everyone was immortal then, she was able to save my life. The Miracle gave her time.

Jack: :-)

John: Wow. Sounds like your equivalent to a crappy happy sappy Disney ending.

Ianto: He's back to normal, then.

Jack: Hey. Ianto. Meet me in my office.

Ianto: ;-)

John: Seriously. Noses.

Ianto: A face without a nose looks like Voldemort. Or you.

John: -_-

* * *

><p>John: Hey.<p>

Gwen: Hi, John. (:

John: OMG. WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?

Gwen: I made a smiley face and said hello...?

John: IT WAS BACKWARDS. IT WAS BACKWARDS.

Gwen: ...Yeah. I noticed, I was there.

John: HOW WAS IT BACKWARDS?

John: GWEN?!

John: DO NOT IGNORE ME!

* * *

><p>John: Thank you. THANK YOU.<p>

Russell T. Davies: ?

* * *

><p>John: Was it you? Did you convince him to bring Ianto back? Well, whoever it was, I don't really care. I still hate you. BUT THANK YOU FOR BRINGING JANTO BACK IF YOU DID.<p>

Steven Moffatt: ?

* * *

><p>John: Gwen?<p>

Gwen: Yeah, what is it?

John: Don't come to the Hub 2. Okay?

Gwen: Y not?

John: I walked in on Eye Candy and Jack having a... birthday cake. Except there were no utensils, plates, or napkins, and the only ingredients in the cake were Ianto's back, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and ice cream.

Gwen: TMI, John. TMI.

John: NEI, actually. Not Enough Information. I'm going back with a camera.


	7. Chapter 7

Gwen: Hey.

Jack: Hey.

Ianto: Hey.

John: ...Is this a threesome? Can I join in?

Ianto: NO!

John: No to the threesome, or the no to me joining?

Ianto: No! Just no.

John: Need to know, Eye Candy, need to know.

Gwen: If you make one more innuendo, I will rip off your face and hang it on the wall.

John: Oh. I feel so safe now.

Jack: (:

John: It doesn't look right backwards. Lots of things look good backwards, I mean, but not emoticons.

Gwen: Don't you ever stop?

John: Go text your husband.

Unknown number: shjdsf

Jack: ?

Ianto: ?

Gwen: Who the feck is that?

John: How pleasant.

Gwen: Shut it.

Unknown number: jehwf

John: It's your kid, what's-her-name, you idiot. Anwen, or something.

Gwen: Why does Anwen have a phone?!

Anwen: hwdojksf

John: I gave it to her.

Gwen: WHY WOULD YOU GIVE MY DAUGHTER A CELL PHONE?

John: You use caps lock so much, it's really not that menacing anymore.

Gwen: WHY?

John: She was lonely. Her only friend is that teddy bear. I set up an Instagram for her.

Gwen: Take it back. Now.

John: No.

Gwen: Or I will castrate you with a pair of safety scissors.

Jack: Ohoho!

Ianto: -.-

John: Going to take the phone now.

* * *

><p>John (on Ianto's phone): Hey.<p>

Jack: Hey. ;-)

John: ...

Jack: My place or yours?

John: This is John. I'm using Ianto's phone. He wanted me to tell you there's a Weevil sighting.

John: Hello?

John: Helllooooooo?

(on another chat room)

Jack: DON'T LOOK AT THE OTHER CHAT ROOM!

John: Y not...?

Jack: I sent Ianto a weird picture.

John: That makes me want to look at it.

Jack: Just... don't.

Jack: John?

Jack: JOHN!

John: Good god. And I thought WE were kinky.

Jack: You looked at it.

John: Yes, I did. I'm wishing I could unsee it.

Jack: :)

* * *

><p>Rhys: Hello?<p>

John: Who is this?

Rhys: Rhys. We've met. I'm Gwen's husband.

John: I'm John.

Rhys: You mean a wanker.

John: I think I'm John. Have I lost my memory?

Rhys: Not funny, mate.

John: Who are you? Are you my mummy?

Rhys: O_O wtf?

John: JK! Ha.

* * *

><p>John: Are you my mummy?<p>

Gwen: ...?

* * *

><p>John: Are you my mummy?<p>

Jack: DON'T DO THAT.

John: It's a children's book.

Jack: LALALA. I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

John: What is with you lot and caps lock?


	8. Chapter 8

_**This chapter is M for autocorrect. -_-**_

* * *

><p>John: So who did you vote for for the erection?<p>

Jack: Ha.

John: I MEANT ERECTION

John: *ERECTION

Jack: I get it.

John: *ELECTION

Jack: ...Yep. Sure.

John: Stupid puffin autoerrection.

Jack: Stop. You're turning me on.

John: STUPID EFFIN AUTOCORRECTION.

Jack: ...I'm takin' screenshots.

* * *

><p>John: Hey. Can you get pizza for us, please? Jack's cock tastes awful.<p>

Ianto: WHAT

John: *COCK

Ianto: WHAT

John: *COOKING

John: Sweet goddesses, can I at least type one word Phoenix Wright?!

John: *RIGHT

Ianto: Right... walking away now.

* * *

><p>Ianto: Are you seeing John?<p>

Jack: What?! No! What makes you say that?

Ianto: Nvm... he's just being stupid.

Jack: Yan... there's no one in the whore wide world for me other than you.

Ianto: Well, that's comforting.

Jack: NOT WHORE, WHOLE. SORRY

Ianto: Yep.

* * *

><p>John: Hey, Gwen.<p>

Gwen: Ya?

John: I'm trying to order pizza, because Jack's cock tastes awful, but iCandy won't buy any because he's shagging WWII in the orifice, so can you go get some food?

Gwen: ...Holy shit John.

John: NO! I meant to say his cooking tastes awful! And... is iCandy even a thing?!

Gwen: Nice.

John: OFFICE NOT ORIFICE. GOD AUTO CORRECT IS SUCH A PERV.

Gwen: Not now. I'm busy eating porn and watching a film with rapists.

Gwen: EATING POPCORN AND WATCHING A FILM WITH RHYS.

John: Apparently Eye Phones do not speak Welsh.

* * *

><p>Rex: Hey, Marching Band, have you seen Jack?<p>

John: He's in deep grave.

Rex: ...Sorry, what?

John: *GRAVE

John: *GRAVY

John: He pissed off the pterodactyl and it flew out. I'm guessing that's what you're sexting about.

John: *TEXTING

Rex: ...Never mind. Maybe I'll go ask Gwen.

* * *

><p>Rex: Hey, there's a pterodactyl on the loose.<p>

Gwen: It's my day off and I'm bloody exhausted, screw off and get a life.

Rex: Whoa.

Gwen: Sorry, stupid auto correct. I meant to say, *I'll be there right away.

Rex: Ah, I hate auto correct. You should turn it off.

Gwen: You can dope what?

Gwen *Do that

Rex: Ya. Go look it up. C u l8er.

* * *

><p>John: There are no penis in this whole Hub thing, are there?<p>

Gwen: ...

John: *PENCILS

Gwen: U kno U can turn it off right

John: Turn what off?

John: GWEN?

* * *

><p>Gwen: What time is it? My phone cock got broken.<p>

Gwen: CLOCK

Gwen: That one was a tippo.

Gwen: *typo

Gwen: Auto correct really helps ahainst tipos

John: Heh.


End file.
